I am obviously feeling low at the moment. Just now I let out my frustrations, my heart ached, I felt sad because of something but I tried to regain my composure by remembering Allah. After a while I stumbled on this on Twitter. Allah is great! Thank you Allah. There must be a reason why the internet is working really well tonight. There must be a reason why this was tweeted tonight and I got to see it and I had the urge to click on the link. I seldom read tweets from Muslim Matters cause my homepage is always flooded by tweets from others whom I am following, and I normally miss reading MM’s tweets, unless I go to its page. The answer is given to me via this post, written by a lady in MM’s site. There must be a reason why…
Recently, I started writing a blog post that I really felt strongly about. I just had to write down all the thoughts and feelings going haywire inside me. It wasn’t very pleasant because there was pain involved… the kind of burning, deep-cutting pain that results when you trust someone completely and they break your trust, knowingly or unknowingly. It made me wonder and question myself why we care for people in the first place when there’s this risk of intense pain of betrayal?
I tried to write down what I felt was the right train of thought. I wrote a couple of paragraphs but it just didn’t make sense. Even if it sounded fine in words, I wasn’t satisfied with what was before me. And that meant I did not really understand or agree with what I was writing. How could something so hurtful be so easily overlooked every time I placed my trust in someone? Was I not ready to learn from past experiences? Why did my heart not “sit still” instead of placing itself at great risk time and again?
I turned off my laptop in irritation and simmering despair. The sadness lingered on. I then did what I usually do when I need to think things out in peace and really pour my heart out to Allah(swt) – I went out on to the balcony of our apartment. It’s dark there, with a few potted plants along the low wall and there’s a clear view of the bridge that’s next to our building. Watching the traffic go by but not really seeing it, with the dark velvety expanse of the sky overheard, dotted with stars… this is where I feel free to share all my worries, hopes and fears (tears included!) with my Rabb. And, SubhanAllah, He’s always there for me.
All the sadness that was within came pouring out, sometimes in unspoken words, sometimes in tears. I write this now not to make this sound all dramatic but to share with you how calming it is to rant and cry in front of Allah (swt) rather than seeking sympathy from other people, who can barely lend an ear and little more. When the initial flood of emotions has come to pass, question after question is thrown out into the darkness… something might just make sense! And it does. It’s a miracle, sometimes, the answer’s right there, staring me in the face! It’s as if all the tears were hiding it from view and now it’s crystal clear.
Sometimes, the answer isn’t so readily available. What do I do then? I make dua. Lots and lots of dua’s. Whatever words come to mind, all the possible ways I can find to make my case before Allah (swt) and to leave it to Him to bring the final decision…like an extended and personalized Istikharah dua. When I feel I have nothing more to say, it’s time to head back inside and wait, as long as it takes, for Allah (swt) to unwind the tangle I am in.
So there, that’s how I left my confusion to Allah (swt). What is a person to do? Keep hope and forever be at risk of being hurt? Or should you just give up, kill your feelings and try to go through life without expecting too much of anyone? Or should you just put your *whole* faith in Allah (swt)? The last question had an obvious answer: Yes, that’s what it should be but it’s not easy! At least I was being honest – the rest of me was all confused.
So how does this story end? Alhamdu washhukru lillah (All praise and thanks be to Allah!), all my queries were answered before I lay down to sleep that night. It was unbelievable! I had imagined I’d be carrying that ache of uncertainty well into the days ahead but it vanished completely, leaving me satisfied beyond measure. Only Allah (swt) knows how best to answer His slaves’ dua’s and to instill the truth into the depths of their hearts!
Without going into the details of exactly how Allah (swt) answered my dua, here’s what I learned…
Why do we care for people when there’s the risk of losing them or being hurt at their hands? It’s not the ignorance of pain that makes us continue to care but it’s the joy, beauty and the immense power of hope that comes from caring that we just cannot resist! The fear of betrayal is no match for the satisfaction and pleasure of solid, lasting relationships…and when you have so much to gain, you forget the risk that you might have something to lose.
If we didn’t love so sincerely and so wholly, we’d never be happy or be able to make others happy. When you do something good for someone and it makes their life that little bit better than it was before, you don’t realize it but your own life – my own life – becomes more enjoyable. If I were to hold myself back for fear of being pricked by thorns, I’d never be able to feel the velvety and delightful texture of roses.
If you’re lucky, you don’t just get roses in return… you get a whole bouquet of amazing colors and fragrances that make you wonder if a scene from heaven flashed, for the tiniest moment, in your life? It’s different for every person but that’s how exhilarating real hope and happiness is, when shared with people you care for. That’s how Allah (swt) made us and that’s what keeps us going, even though bitterness and heartbreak is also a part of life.
These moments renew my faith in Allah (swt)! Why should I not put all my queries and worries to Him when He is the One who answers in the most beautiful manner, with much more than I could ever desire? He has full authority over all that is in the Heavens and the Earth and my childish desires and dreams seek their fulfillment only with Him. I pray that we all recognize our Rabb, really recognize Him as As-Samee, Al Baseer… the Always All-Hearing, the Always All-Seeing! Truly that is the source and pinnacle of all joys imaginable.
“The dua of a Muslim for his brother (in Islam) in his absence is readily accepted, an angel is appointed to his side, whenever he makes a beneficial dua for his brother, the appointed angel says ‘Ameen and may you also be blessed with the same.’”
Her situation is similar to mine. So, is it a coincidence or this is one of the ways how Allah helps me.
Thank You Allah for this. Thank you Ameera Khan for sharing this. Thank you Muslim Matters for tweeting this.
Ya Allah, help me to calm my troubled heart and mind. Ya Allah, help me to calm my troubled heart and mind. Ya Allah, help me to calm my troubled heart and mind.