My First Pregnancy

So, the last entry I made in 2011 was about my first pregnancy. Wow, that was ages ago. At the end of the posting I told you that I did not have to undergo the surgery and I went home happy.

But let me tell you this that the happiness did not last long.

If I could recall it clearly, it was not long after that that I discovered something that I neither expected nor anticipated. It was something worse. The next appointment did not give me good news. It was instead the opposite. The ultrasound that I had on that very day indicated that the sac was empty. There was no heart beat. A photo of the scan was given to me to prove the statement, but I was so overwhelmed with the news that if I think about this again, I am positive that at that moment I chose to ignore the fact and purposely thought the gynae doctor could be wrong. No. Wait. She was wrong. I chose to believe this. The doctor advised me to go for the Dilation and Curettage (D&C) procedure. The sac needed to be rid of. It could affect my health. I decided to not listen, to not heed to the advice. I asked her to give me another week to think it over. I was told that I could get an infection. I would risk it. I just needed one week. Who knew a miracle could happen. Suddenly heartbeats could be detected. It would be impossible. But again, what if. Just what if.

A verbal agreement was made. One more week then. Another appointment was set. In disbelief, I left. Anything could happen by Allah’s will.

I still remember I was in the car. My husband was driving. I was silent. I grabbed my phone. Called my close friend. What happened next, I am now not really sure how I broke the news. I think I cried first, before telling her everything. Or maybe I told her the news first and it was at this time tears started to fall on my cheeks. All I remember is I did cry. I was devastated.

To cut things short, it was a few days before my appointment that suddenly I got ill. Very ill. I took pills, still my temperature did not reside. I was still feverish. I was taken to the hospital and it was then I finally accepted the truth. The sac was empty. Nothing.

So the procedure had to be done.

On that day, my close friends came before I was wheeled to the OT. Zety. Nash. Wardah. Hjh Marinah. Them I clearly remember. They even helped me changed to my hospital gown.

I still do not know what actually happened. How did I lose the baby? I remember I was ill at the early stage of my pregnancy. I could be probably in the first or two weeks of my pregnancy. I was coughing badly so I took a cough medicine (well, the one that can make you drowsy.) I remember when I went to the bathroom to pass urine that I noticed I had some fresh blood on my pantyliner. I described it as fresh because it was not the regular colour of menstrual blood. But lighter. But then again, I was a first timer so I was not really bothered of this unusual incident so I regarded it as me having my period. Oh don’t get me wrong. At this time, I did not know yet that I was pregnant. Hence, I thought that I was having my period. If I knew I was pregnant, I would not take any medicine but go and consult a doctor instead.

When I was asked to recount anything unusual on the day I found out that the sac in my womb was empty, I told them this account. It was this that the doctor ruled out that probably that was the time when I lost my first baby. The fresh blood was it.

My first pregnancy. It was a missed miscarriage.